Grief is the Ghetto

"...one thought in my mind was, grief is the ghetto. It's not straightforward. It has no true end."

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit." (NKJV)

What's the best thing you can do for someone who is grieving? I want to say it's praying. Pray for them. Pray with them. Pray over them. Everything else is secondary.

For the past couple weeks I feel as though I've been living in October 2024. There are still parts of my body which feels tense at the thought of losing two individuals in a week. With that, I've been wondering, had I grieved properly when Rose passed? Did my body soak up tears instead of releasing them when Miss Merle, my paternal grandmother passed? Then I've been back to 2002, February half-term when Mr Lawrence, my grandfather died. I don't think I grieved his death at the age of 11. I wonder if this remained with me all this time?

Looking at my nephew, I know Mr Lawrence would have loved this little boy. There are times I wish I was able to spend more time with my grandfather. Knowing him for 11 years almost doesn't feel as though it was enough. I have memories of him reading to my sister, but I almost feel I don't have enough memories with him.

There is one death I think I've properly grieved is that of my maternal grandfather. I don't know what it is that led me to grieving his death properly. I can only assume that it comes with having returned home and visited the house since his passing. Yes, it is still strange to go to the house knowing that he isn't sitting on the veranda, but I don't have the same feeling in my body when thinking about him.

Grief is complex. Can we say there is either a right or wrong way to grieve? And is there a handbook on how to support loved ones and friends as they grieve?

None of this is random. Someone close to me lost a loved one who meant the world to them. A grandmother who passed months before her 92nd. This certainly hit close to home because my paternal grandmother passed 2 weeks before her 94th.

Being on the outskirts of another person's grief stirs up a lot of thoughts. I have questioned whether I need to give more distance, or should I be more present. I have wondered if I should have been more encouraging to continue our devotions, or if being patient was the right thing. And this brings me back to my opening question, what's the best thing you can do for someone who is grieving?

Honestly, between the day I found out about my grandmother's death, and the day of her funeral, one thought in my mind was, grief is the ghetto. It's not straightforward. It has no true end. No-one teaches you how to grieve, yet we are surrounded by death. And no, death isn't the only thing we grieve, but that's my focus at this point.

As I write this, on my train to Victoria Station, I'm fighting back tears. My mind is back at my nan's on the sofa with the phone to my ear, my mum telling me that Miss Merle is gone. I was numb. A week before, at 8am, I had to contact my service manager to sit in for me because tears betrayed me, they failed to pause. Now, a week later, my mind raced with, I need to get back home. I need to be within the family home. Here we are two years later where grief still exists.

The best thing anyone did for me during that time was, sitting with me in the silence, sitting with me as I audibly worked through memories, and planning an evening out to have a meal together.